05 January, 2011

A humid day in April..

The withered leaves were crunching on the gravel as his footsteps got closer. I felt a shiver down my spine in this humid day in the month of April.

God help me! I wanted to itch so badly, but the silence was so deafening that I was sure if I moved, my scratch would raise the dead and then I would have to change my place.

There was heavy breathing accompanying the footsteps now. I peeked through my fingers to see a silhouette not far from where I hid. Against the sunlight it seemed he could almost vanish at will.

And then it happened. The damn wind came out of nowhere. At first it felt great and gave a cooling affect to my sweaty neck but then some strands from my hair band got loose and began to rustle across my nose, tickling me to a sneeze.

I really did try hard, but after all I could do only so much.
I sneezed and like a well functioning zip I heard heels of shoes screech to a halt right above me. He removed my cover and I had to shield my eyes against the sharp light.

Gotcha, he smiled.

But I smile back, now it’s my turn to be the hunter.

ask and you shall be....

they looked for answers
and responses
they looked for guiding lights and background scores
and the feel that comes from knowing and being known
in the persuasive bloodied ink of the fountain pen tips
in the shadowed claims and soothing word rain that fell from the sacred lips
in the soft glances and the narrowed eyes. in the laughter that echoed true or not, in the corridors of light.
in the warmth of encircled arms and the nod of listeners
in the cold of the swirling waters that numbed already cold minds
in the shine and glitter, in the crashing waves of chatter
in the wicked games and the fall for the blame
in the dances around the ever growing pit of building black fire
their senses wrapped around the shrinking world, and wrapped in the thickened gauze of merging selfhoods
the square inches of space below their feet, fast falling away as the atmosphere swallowed them whole
only few, ripped from the front of beauty
the stragglers, the doubters, foolish dreaming weak in the multitudes of encased, empowered, untouchable , unblemished
clinging on for dear life in the eye of a fast moving tornado
the only truth being ugly, cruel,absolute
all the world's stage, the cities of blinding lights,
the beckoning twinkle of fading stars. the soft cry of voices from hometown
headlights on full beam as lives and spheres collide
as clutched at straws and entwined fingers submerge in the dizzying, eddying currents in the swelling tides,
the music plays on
the movements never cease
the rest is still unwritten

The Diary of a Schizophrenic

sometimes. i have these useless thoughts. useless because it does not make any sense. it keeps jumping from one thought to a completely unrelated next one. sometimes, it is just the sound of humming- no recognizable tune though. sometimes it jus goes 'buzzzzz'. And it is so irritating. it never leaves, or stops. it keeps going on and on, like the ticking of an old grandfather clock. it does not let me in peace. it does not let me sleep, eat or do anything. i ask it, what is it that it wants. but it never says anything. it continues to tick and hum. and sometimes i get so irritated of it that i start cursing it, abusing it. sometimes i even cry. but when i cry or shout, all it does it laugh, hysterically. almost to the point of craziness. almost driving me nuts. 
i wished it would all stop.  

'and then, it stopped. just like that. one fine day. without prior notice or warning. it all just went away.  

at first i thought i was dead. i tried to move my finger. and it did move. so i was not dead. then why did it stop. why did it all go away? true. i wanted it all to go away. i hated it. but why did it go? so suddenly? it could have gone slowly. it could have just faded away. then i might not have noticed this empty silence. it would not have made such a difference. 
then i thought, maybe it will come back and make me miserable again. i waited for sometime. or was it for a day or two? or maybe it was a few minutes, or seconds. i don't know. but it did not come back. 

when darkness fell, the silence creeped me out. i was scared to turn around the corner of my own house. i sat in a corner by the window. i was too scared to move. it was all too silent. i could not hear anything. why did have to go away so suddenly? 
slowly, i understood. it was never going to come back. i was to live with the silence. forever. but it was too much to take. i could not bear the silence. i could not bear myself. i ran out into the streets to hear some noise. but all the vehicles and the people were too silent. rather, they were not loud enough. i could not hear them loud enough to escape the silence in my head. i stayed on the street, near the railway track hoping that one day i will escape this silence in my head. 

today, people look at me with fear and sympthy. they think i am crazy. they think that i am mad and that i would attack them. but all iwant is the voices in my head to come back. because the silence is too over bearing. all i want is to be able to hear them all in my head again!