05 January, 2011

The Diary of a Schizophrenic

sometimes. i have these useless thoughts. useless because it does not make any sense. it keeps jumping from one thought to a completely unrelated next one. sometimes, it is just the sound of humming- no recognizable tune though. sometimes it jus goes 'buzzzzz'. And it is so irritating. it never leaves, or stops. it keeps going on and on, like the ticking of an old grandfather clock. it does not let me in peace. it does not let me sleep, eat or do anything. i ask it, what is it that it wants. but it never says anything. it continues to tick and hum. and sometimes i get so irritated of it that i start cursing it, abusing it. sometimes i even cry. but when i cry or shout, all it does it laugh, hysterically. almost to the point of craziness. almost driving me nuts. 
i wished it would all stop.  

'and then, it stopped. just like that. one fine day. without prior notice or warning. it all just went away.  

at first i thought i was dead. i tried to move my finger. and it did move. so i was not dead. then why did it stop. why did it all go away? true. i wanted it all to go away. i hated it. but why did it go? so suddenly? it could have gone slowly. it could have just faded away. then i might not have noticed this empty silence. it would not have made such a difference. 
then i thought, maybe it will come back and make me miserable again. i waited for sometime. or was it for a day or two? or maybe it was a few minutes, or seconds. i don't know. but it did not come back. 

when darkness fell, the silence creeped me out. i was scared to turn around the corner of my own house. i sat in a corner by the window. i was too scared to move. it was all too silent. i could not hear anything. why did have to go away so suddenly? 
slowly, i understood. it was never going to come back. i was to live with the silence. forever. but it was too much to take. i could not bear the silence. i could not bear myself. i ran out into the streets to hear some noise. but all the vehicles and the people were too silent. rather, they were not loud enough. i could not hear them loud enough to escape the silence in my head. i stayed on the street, near the railway track hoping that one day i will escape this silence in my head. 

today, people look at me with fear and sympthy. they think i am crazy. they think that i am mad and that i would attack them. but all iwant is the voices in my head to come back. because the silence is too over bearing. all i want is to be able to hear them all in my head again!   

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